I have not eaten since Monday...almost a week. The first night was the only bad one, I knew if I could make it through Day 1 that the remaining days would be easy. Minus some odd cravings for things like bananas and frito pie. I do like talking about food a lot more though, tonight I was trying to convince my mom to eat a sausage sandwich but then when she was about to give in I said nevermind.
I can't say that I miss eating, I just miss the social aspect of it I guess. Sitting around the table with my family, talking about whatever. Ok...maybe I miss eating a little bit, just the taste of the food though.
I'm excited to finally break the fast but not just so I can eat. I really want to start eating healthier. After proving to myself with this fast that I can actually focus on something and have strong will power I know that healthy eating will come easier. I really feel like I've kicked my cravings.
Reading In Defense of Food: An Eaters Manifesto has really made a difference. I couldn't have picked a better time to finish that book. It was crazy how some basic concepts about food seemed so amazing to me. When I read about how some of the things that end of up grocery stores and labeled healthy get there I was shocked. The book was a bit much at points though. Like suggesting people buy a freezer and go to farms and buy whole animals, chop, and store. Sure, we did that in Sweden but the lifestyle there was very different than city life here. Bit out of touch with what the majority of people are capable of doing I think.
My plan for when I'm finished with this cleanse and the 3 days of breaking the cleanse: Eat Food. Not too much. Mostly vegetables. Eat raw foods. Buy organic veggies. Pastured meat, 100% grass fed beef. Cook more meals. No fast food. Don't deprive myself. Don't overindulge. Read ingredients, not just nutritional fact labels. Avoid processed things as much as possible. More fruits.
Clean room. Wash hair. Condition hair. Braid hair. Manicure. Pedicure. Mom's nails. Mom's hair. Do pilates. Hula Hoop. Read. Look at purses. Look at fashion shows. Watch YouTube videos. Organize closet. Clean out refrigerator. Browse stores. Start drawing. Drink water. Make more concoction. Use resistance bands. Add things to vision board. Look up affirmations. Go to the library. Walk around. Delete emails. Backup computer. Look at inspirational pictures. Try yoga. Drive mom around. Read blogs. Read magazines. Pluck eyebrows. Exfoliate. Clean car. Go to gym. Play games. Eat ice. Stretches. Play with makeup. Write down why I am doing this repeatedly. Clean bathroom. Clean living room. Vacuum. Do surveys. Browse forums. Livemocha lessons. Shower.
I used to do my best to appear stoic, cynical, nothing but icy logic and realism in regards to love. As I've gotten older though, I realize that I am not really that person. Inside, where the feelings rise and turn and change, I know that I am a romantic. I believe in love and truly want to believe in it's power. Although my own life has not always been the best example of the power of love, it has provided me with what I believe to be an excellent example of how it can shape someone, and how, after everything, it is still one of the greatest things in the world.
I'm sure you've heard this quote before. Whether it be at Sunday school or during one of those sappy weddings, I think this quote, as cliched and played out as it is, is really one of the perfect descriptions of love. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." -1st Corinthians 13.
This is one of my favorite quotes and the feeling I get while reading it helped me realize that I am one of those saps that believes love can conquer all. But in the reading that verse, I realize that in relationships past and current (romantic or not) I don't always live those words but I do want to be that kind of person. To exude love, to have it always surround me, and to be an example of love.
With that said, I am a fan of love. In fact, I am in love with love, the idea of it, the realization, the feeling. I have been at every point on the love continuum. I have loved someone so much that I couldn't even allow myself to think about, I couldn't think about them without wanting to cry, the sheer joy it brought me was overwhelming. I've loved someone to the point that it disgusted me, that I hated it, that I wanted to stop because I felt like it was changing me but I couldn't. When I think about the way I love my parents and friends I am always overcome with happiness.
I think it's true that it's better to have loved than lost than to never have loved at all. Because when I look back at the love I've had in my life, I always remember the good things. No matter how horribly it ended or what happened during it's course, the happy memories of love are the ones that play over and over again in my mind. Even the hurt you feel with love is a special kind of hurt. You come out of it feeling stronger, it's a character building hurt and the loss of love is the only way to get it.
Love must be some indescribable combination of physics and chemistry. It's a type of insanity that you know you're suffering from but don't want to be cured. I really feel like love is the basis of life. Friendships, family, relationships...they even say search for a career you love and everything else will come. It just changes how things look.
I believe there is an unlimited abundance of love. That if you want it bad enough, you will have it. It may not come from where you expected but it will be there. When I think about the people close to me that I feel really love it makes me want to cry because to have someone love you, actually love who you are whether it be good or bad, is amazing. If it's conditional, then it isn't true love.
Love must be taken care of like it's an entity unto itself. It requires attention, nourishment, respect, time, and patience. It's important, irrational, confusing, unique and encompassing.
In the end, whether it be romantic, parental, or the love between friends, love is my most favorite thing in the world, despite what I may say. There is just something about it that fills me with joy. I will always believe in it's power, always hope that it's eternal, always pray that my friends and family find it, and always remain hopeful for the love that is currently in my life and the love I will experience in the future.
Pssst...this is by far the longest thing I have written since finals.
One of the concepts I've taken from this crazy book I'm reading is the "art of allowing."
More importantly, allowing others to be who they are. I know a big source of my inner stress and worries comes from me trying to change, or just tolerating other people. I try to change how my parents eat, try to change how people speak, how they act, what they do and how they speak to me. I guess that comes from me just being bossy by nature. Tolerating is still negative for me, I guess good for the other person though. If I just tolerate their behavior then while they get to do whatever they want, I still feel bad about it. So by going from simply tolerating their behavior, to allowing it then it's supposedly win-win for both. It releases whatever stress or negative emotions that comes with trying to change someone. If people want to spend their lives being negative, unhealthy, or whatever else then I cannot change that. It's not my job. This will definitely take some practice, since undoing about 18 years of behavior doesn't happen over night, but I'm going to work on it.
Or, to make this more concise..."you just do you, I'ma do me."
July 6th, 2008
All the resources you will ever want or need are at your fingertips. All you have to do is identify what you want to do with it, and then practice the feeling-place of what it will feel like when that happens.There is nothing you cannot be or do or have. You have come forth into this physical environment to create. There is nothing holding you back, other than your own contradictory thought. And your emotion tells you you're doing that. Life is supposed to be fun—it is supposed to feel good! You are powerful Creators and right on schedule. Savor more; fix less. Laugh more; cry less. Anticipate positively more; anticipate negatively less. Nothing is more important than that you feel good. Just practice that and watch what happens. There is great love here for you. We are complete
On Oprah some lady created a love list. A list of things she wanted to find in a man. When I think about it, I've already done this. The first day of the year I met Steve I made of list of all the things I wanted my next boyfriend to be. My list was pretty shallow, I think. Brown hair, plays guitar. When I met him a week or so later it never occurred to me that he had the qualities I put on my list. It wasn't until a few months later that I found the list and asked him to read it and we both were surprised that it described him to a T.
According to the lady on Oprah that talked about it though, lists that are shallow, no just superficial but made out of desperation or clinging to something that we think will make us happy doesn't work. So my list, which didn't really include how the relationship should go or what he would do for me was made in the "shallows."
"When you're operating purely from the Shallows, you see yourself as isolated and separate. Your behavior consists of running from things you dread and grasping onto things you desire" That was so me then. There was a void I was trying to fill...
Apparently, these lists should be made from your "core of peace." I know, I sort of laugh when I read that but hey, I won't knock the terminology. "Our culture, grounded in empirical science and the European Romantic tradition, sees material wealth and/or the perfect lover as the keys to happiness. That's why so many relationships disintegrate over monetary arguments, or the accusation "You stopped making me happy." Again, all ancient wisdom traditions teach that no external person, place, or thing can "make" us happy. They recommend various methods for rediscovering the Core of Peace: meditation, introspection, renunciation of shallow attachments, the exercise of focused kindness and compassion."
I'm headed towards this "core." First though, I have to get through the...brace yourself..."Ring of Fire." Johnny Cash much?
In this "Ring of Fire" phase, from what I've gathered, you "grieve." Well guess what? I have f'n grieved! '"The Ring of Fire is the emotional process we must go through to reach the Core of Peace. There are only two ways to accomplish this. We can disbelieve any false ideas that are causing unnecessary pain. Any unavoidable pain — loss of health or a loved one for example — we must grieve."
I know I'm out of the "shallows" and emerging from the "Ring of Fire." I know the terminology is corny but really, I think it describes the emotional growth process quite well.
I do "disbelieve any false ideas that are causing unnecessary pain." That was probably the hardest thing. The things I believe about the world I realized where instilled in me through someone elses experiences. Because my friends had problem with guys, I started to think that I always would. Because my mom complains, I figured I would always. There's other things personally about myself that I no longer believe are true either. It's like a light bulb went off. I have grieved for my unavoidable pain, family things, relationships etc...I've grieved enough.
So I wonder if I should start making my list....it's not something that happens immediately but it's good to have I suppose. You're supposed to think of a 100 things though! I'm not sure I'm ready to start mine yet....ehhhh I'll go "grieve" some more!
Ok. focusing on positivity starting now. I don't want to complain anymore, I don't want to argue or bitch about things. I need to keep my positivity up and find a way to squash the negativity and bad moods I can get in. For me it's difficult because I feel like I'm usually surrounded by negativity. The number one thing the mysterious "they" say about shifting your attitude is that changing your surroundings and people you're around is imperative. When my parents come home in a bad mood it effects how I feel and I need to find a way to not let it. I can't control how other people feel but I can control how it makes me feel and how I react most importantly. I need to let go of my combativeness that I feel has started to come out more often. Whenever friends call me with their negativity I won't be able to just sit and listen to them for hours. I'll empathize briefly and then move the conversation along to more positive things which would help both of us. It's no surprise to me that people constantly have drama in their lives when they're consumed with negative thoughts and only see that side of things. Like attracts like.
It'll be a lot easier with my parents because they understand me better. They know I'm constantly trying to improve myself so if they come home complaining or in a bad mood and I don't nurture that attitude they'll know why. They appreciate that I try to be the happy person in the house and usually I do a pretty good job at it. Whenever I'm in a bad mood they instantly sense it and try to make me feel better but I also know that my negativity brings them down a little bit and I don't want that.
With friends it's more difficult because the relationship there is just different. They seem to be more sensitive or something. Misery loves company and they seem to love wallowing in their sadness, negativity, loneliness or whatever it is at that moment. Their mood doesn't seem to elevate or change until they've brought me down to whatever level they were at, then they miraculously cheer up or we both end up upset, sad, angry or whatever the theme o' the day was. I have no more energy to devote to that. Nothing against them but I need to do this for myself. I'm not sure if that's something they'll understand but I hope over time they will. Besides, a real true friend would want the best for me and maybe it will help them as well. Ideally everyone would be supportive and understand without trying to change my mind or bring up their negative opinions on it but I'm not sure if that's possible. I'd be pleasantly surprised if it did. I'd have to eat my words and start giving people more credit in that case.
If people are negative then I can't take the bait. At times I can literally feel myself getting into arguments, feeding into someone else's sadness or problems. One part of me thinks "don't go there" but the other side is thinking "who do they think they are!?" or "awww sit and be sad(etc.) with them." I won't be coming back here to complain about things or lament over a past that I cannot change. Upwards and onwards.
That was a long one but well worth it for me. I've just been reading a lot about positivity and it's finally all clicking. I'll try to update with how it's all going.